I feel bad for anxiety

The anxiety, it eats at me. Chewing on my body, gnawing on my heart, clawing at my spirit. It has always been there. A subtle burning inside me, whispering that something is wrong. Now, I suppose it has finished with subtly.

I am eighteen years old. Just finished school (was there a point to those years?). I have hesitantly picked a career from the boring, limited options we are given towards the end of school. All of the choices didn’t sit right with me. I chose the one that seemed the least soul destroying, Early Childhood Education.

I was starting a traineeship (working full time and studying my diploma at the same time). I hated it immediately. It was like my soul was telling me to run. It wasn’t the children I hated, they were the shining lights in the darkness. Although they were a challenge to deal with. Not because of who they are at their very nature, free, wild and open. But because of the system that is trying to dig its claws into them. It’s painful and heart breaking. No wonder they push back. I completely understand. In fact, I encourage it.

I remember watching them play one day, they all took their shoes off to run around barefoot. I smiled. I love barefoot play. Without daily contact between my feet and the ground, I was more of a mess than usual. One of the older educators screamed at the children to get their shoes back on. She asked me why I didn’t already ‘sort them out’. I replied gently as I was only young, if it happened again these days I would’ve been much more opinionated. I would’ve said something like, “they chose to be barefoot because they are wise, they know it’s good for them and you should allow them that freedom”. At the time, I just shrugged and said I didn’t think it was a problem, won’t happen again.

As I said, it wasn’t the children. They are pure lights of life. It was the adults. The system. The rules. The ‘textbook of rubbish’. The plastic toys. The unhealthy meals. It was eating my soul.

The anxiety that walked alongside me couldn’t take it. I thought the next steps outside of school were going to make me happy. The freedom into adulthood was going to fix everything. We all know what a lie that is now. Discovering the lie for most of us is like stepping on a prickle you knew was there. By the time we’ve finished school we’ve been lied to, deceived, picked on, bruised and broken so many times that this one last disappointment is almost expected.

If you watch carefully, you can see the spark in the young humans slowly dim with each passing school year. The end of this path looks like a hunched back adult with bags under there eyes, dragging their feet from pointless meeting to pointless job.

Eighteen year old me could see the trap. Anxiety was screaming like a trapped animal in a cage, begging to be set free. To be listened to. To be seen.

Now, as I sit here writing these words as a twenty eight year old, ten years later, I can see a big part of the problem. Yes obviously the system needs changing. There’s no doubt in my mind we are awakening to that truth. But my reaction to anxiety at the time was all wrong.

I wanted anxiety to go away. I blamed it. It was the problem for me. I pushed, shoved and screamed back at anxiety like I would make it run away scared. Now that I am another decade into feeling anxiety, I can see where younger me went wrong. I’d love to write her a letter:

Dear eighteen year old Madison,

Anxiety isn’t something you are. Stop saying “I am anxious”. You are affirming that you are anxiety. You are not anxiety. Anxiety is something you are experiencing. You are witnessing anxiety.

Anxiety is like a flashing red warning light. It is an indicator that something is wrong. Something isn’t right, stop and pay attention. When you feel this flashing red warning, the best thing to do isn’t freak out and smash the warning light until it stops. The best thing to do is to pause, listen and stay calm. What is the warning about? It may be suggesting that you’re not on an aligned path. It may be pointing to excessive tension in the body or throughout your thoughts.

When you acknowledge anxiety as a friend who wants to keep you safe in this world, it is no longer a problem when you notice anxiety is present. It is simply a dear friend coming to visit and deliver a helpful message about the best way to go, turn or move.

You are loved & peace is coming

Leave anxiety alone, she is not your enemy.

I wanted to write this blog post today simply to say that I feel bad for anxiety. It gets such a bad reputation. When all it wants to do is help. The presence of anxiety is certainly getting stronger. But that is not anxieties problem. It is simply being triggered more and more as our life being more and more disaligned.

Anxiety whispers, “realign”, “remember”, “soften”.

Please leave anxiety alone.

She is a dear friend to us all.

She is not you. She wants to guide you. Listen.

love from one human to another,

Madison Mindset x