Behind the need to people please is…

Behind this constant need to prioritise the needs and wants of others over your own needs and wants, is a primal need. Why else would we put others needs beyond even our own health and wellbeing? There is a need there. There is a deep desire.

People pleasing may look like saying yes when you need to say no. It may be you avoiding conflict or any difficult conversation that may upset another person. You may be the kind of person who apologises ALL the time (looking in the mirror with this one). Sometimes we seek affirmation of our worth from others (meaning, we need whoever it is to like us in order to feel worthy). We may try to cover up our true feelings or thoughts especially if we think they may hurt someone or be disapproved of.

When we were living much closer to nature within tribes. Being accepted and being ‘part of the group’ was a survival need. If you weren’t liked by the group you could be excluded which back then, could’ve been a death sentence. This is part of why we may people please today, it is our brain running an old program. Not being accepted today, may not feel nice but it certainly won’t be a survival threat. You just simply go and find the people who resonate with you.

You may think pleasing people is an act kindness. It is actually the opposite. Genuine and true kindness comes from the authentic place of genuinely wanting to help someone. EVEN if what you are going to say or do is uncomfortable, painful or even embarrassing for the person your showing kindness to. People pleasing is motivated by fear. ‘Please like me, i’ll do anything for you’. This kind of help or support is rarely rewarded and you may begin to feel taken advantage of.

We do need social connection for our wellbeing. But we DON’T need to be in social groups that make us feel stressed, unheard or unseen. We need social connection within safe, aligned and loving groups.

Whether or not you people please from a place of fear, childhood conditioning, low self esteem/confidence or even as a trauma response (fight, flight, freeze OR (here’s a new one) FAWNING (which means to agree with, gratify or flatter a perceived threat)), there is one NEED that comes to my mind…

To feel like we are ENOUGH.

Am I enough for you for exactly who I am?

No…. maybe I can become enough by providing value for you or being more like you!

I am worthy if others decide I am worthy…

Maybe I can dress, act and speak in a way that will be more accepted!

Maybe I can change my thoughts, wants, beliefs, background and personality so I am more accepted by others.

How does this sit with you?

Let me help you reframe this:

You are enough. Because you are here today. You were born who you are, as you are, in the body that you’re in right now and into the situations you’ve grown through in this lifetime. Nature made you.

And Mother Nature knows you are enough.

The Universe knows you’re enough (you are a drop of the universe inside a human vessel afterall).

The only one questioning your worth is YOU!

There are so many people in this world. Not all of them are going to like you. Get SUPER comfortable with this knowledge. You will not be liked by all. You are not for everyone.

You know what this is?

FREEDOM.

There are people out there just like you. Who accept you with open arms. If you haven’t found them yet, that may be because you are following the tail of people you want to be accepted by but never will.

Even if someone isn’t ‘your type of person’, we can still offer them kindness and respect. If you are being bullied for just being ‘who you are’, that is NOT about you. It is about the person who’s hurting you. They are sad inside. Feel compassion for them and walk away.

Walk towards people who love you for exactly who you are.

It is human nature to want to be included and we should strive to be included in family, friend and/or social groups. Being alone all the time isn’t healthy. Be yourself and you’ll find aligned people.

That’s my message to you this week.

If you don’t like me for me, that’s FINE BY ME!

I’m just going to continue being myself with the people who resonate with me. Those are the people worthy of my time, commitment and effort.

release people pleasing now.

with love,

Madison Mindset x